


Burn

by skysojourner



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Friends to Lovers, M/M, Other, Pre-Slash, Slash, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-22
Updated: 2018-05-23
Packaged: 2019-05-10 03:00:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14728686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skysojourner/pseuds/skysojourner
Summary: Zach's hands are roaming over Alex's chest, captured by the other boy's pulse.





	1. Practice

**Author's Note:**

> I just love Zalex so much! This is just gonna be a series of moments between the two. Unbetaed.
> 
> I revised this chapter a good deal. I wasn't sleeping when I first wrote it, so reread it for some structural changes and addition of things.

Chapter 1: Practice

 

Zach’s hands are roaming over Alex’s chest, captured by the other boy’s pulse. There shouldn’t be anything so fascinating about it. It’s flat, for one, with ribs jutting out in hard lines across the contours of his torso. No breasts, no curves, nothing soft to hold onto about the other boy whose lanky frame made Zach feel oafish, like lumps of clay hastily squashed together and fired up in a kiln. No, there shouldn’t be any reason why he holds onto Alex as his fingers explore the landscape of his body, snagged by nothing but wiriness and sharp edges.

 

He can’t put a name to the swirl in his stomach and the haze in his mind whenever he’s around Alex. He sneaks glances, sometimes, and he says to himself that it’s only curiosity, like when the guys on the team would sneak peaks at him, curious about whether his vertical advantage extended below the belt. It’s only curiosity, he insists, when he compares Alex’s long, swan-like neck with the stumpy sausage that holds up his own head, when he compares the delicate twists of branch-like limbs with the clunkiness of his own trunk-like ones.

 

It’s only curiosity, he tells himself, when he thinks about what it would be like to push up against the pale expanse of the other boy’s chest with his own, about what it would be like to run his too cold fingers along the warmth bursting from under Alex’s skin, who’s all fire underneath the pale.

 

What would it feel like to run his lips across Alex’s skin, maybe even capture those lips in between his teeth? That’s an impossible thought, one that he will deny he ever had because Zachary Shan-Yung Dempsey does not have thoughts that would break the calm and collected façade he’s so carefully built up. Zach is anything but impulsive, and kissing Alex would be impulsive. So why is he doing just that? He flinches and pushes Alex off of him.

 

He sees Alex stumble backwards onto the bed, grimacing as his back thrust against the wall. Zach rushes to him, cursing his stupid body and how little control he has over it.

 

“Are you alright?” he asks, but Alex only glares at him. “What the fuck? Why did you do that?”

 

Do what? Push him? Kiss him?

 

“Sorry, you… you took me off guard” he stammers, but he senses from the squint of Alex’s eyes and the huff of breath he lets out that he’s skeptical. “This was your idea!” Alex yells.

 

It was, wasn’t it? His idea to help Alex ‘recover’ his game by… practice kissing? Somehow, it got into his head that he would just be ‘helping out a friend,’ just like girls do, right…? It’s moments like this that he thinks his dumb reputation is well deserved.

 

“I was just helping you!” he eventually says.

 

“So why did you push me then!” Alex’s brows creases, then arches like the doorways of a cathedral. At least he doesn’t seem angry.

 

“Sorry, I just forgot for a second. You know, in the heat of the moment.”

 

“You forgot and you pushed me? Forgot what exactly?”

 

“Forgot that I’m helping you and that you’re not like coming onto me or something” he splutters, like the idiot he is.

 

Alex just squints even harder than before.

 

“Zach, is that how you would react to another guy kissing you?” he sighs, and then drawls out, “I thought we were past all of this stupid crap.” He fixes onto Zach’s eyes, which looks up, down and everywhere but Alex.

 

“Dude,” Alex says, “just because a guy likes guys and comes onto you doesn’t mean you can go all roid-rage on him, especially if you started it.”

 

Started what exactly? Zach’s genuinely confused at where Alex is going with this. Is he saying that he was coming onto him?

 

“Were you coming onto me?”

 

Alex’s eyes go wide. “What? No! Dude, it’s just a hypothetical. Plus, if anyone’s coming onto anybody it’s you.”

 

“What? How?” Zach retorts, and he’s a bit caught off guard by the blush spreading across Alex’s cheeks. What would it be like, he thinks, to bite into his skin? Would he bruise like a peach?

 

“Kissing lessons? Sounds like the plot of a bad porno.”

 

Why did Zach think it was a good idea to help Alex relearn how to kiss? Sure Alex’s been pretty down on himself lately after finding out what Jessica did with Justin, and maybe he doesn’t like the look of quiet heartbreak on his face, but why did he think kissing Alex would help with that? Because deep down, he still can’t be open to others, or to himself. All of the things that he can’t say and can’t think makes him little more than a child, lashing out by stealing notes or playing the role of a supportive friend. Why does he seem to gravitate towards tragic cases? Is he trying to atone for what he hadn’t done for Hannah? He asks himself whether Alex is nothing but a second-chance to get it right, a do-over with someone who makes him more than the image of himself that he’s crafted. But Alex is nothing like Hannah. Alex burns him to nothing but the raw and exposed core. He never coaxes him out gently, but instead pulls and tugs the veins and arteries leading to his heart. Alex strikes at something deep inside of him, and it scares him.

 

When a fire burns down a forest, it takes years for saplings to regrow. He’s been scorched by Alex’s fire, but his roots are still shallow.

 

“I was just trying to help you man. You’re the one that’s bitching about his broken dick.”

 

“Fuck you Zach. I don’t need your fucking pity” Alex yells, “and not if you’re going to be the one acting all weird about sticking your tongue in my mouth.” He makes a move to leave the bed, but Zach doesn’t let him. He stands in front of him.

“It’s not pity. I’m just trying to be a good friend. And it was a pretty stupid idea anyway and I know I overreacted when… when you know.”

 

Alex arches one eyebrow, but as quick as it went up it fell back down. Instead, the sides of Alex’s mouth quirks upward. The light reaches his eyes, and Zach’s heart slows.

 

“When I put my hands next to your junk?”

 

“Alex!”

 

“What? I don’t have fine motor control, okay. They just found their way there. That makes sense though, you are a gigantic mass of dick with your own gravitational pull.”

 

Zach rolls his eyes and climbs onto the bed next to Alex. Both of their backs are against the wall, and he feels the heat of Alex’s shoulders brushing against his arm.

 

“Fuck you.”

 

“Maybe on our second date,” Alex retorts, and Zach splutters. Date? Are they on a date?

 

Alex laughs and shakes his head. “Relax idiot,” Alex says after his laughter fizzles out. “I’m just pulling your leg. I might have a bullet hole and a whole lot more missing in my head and a broken dick, but I’m not desperate enough to go out with a dumb jock.”

 

Zach hopes Alex is kidding, but about what he’s not sure. He’s hoping that this isn’t a date, because he isn’t ready to confront what it means for him to want exactly that. But instead of saying any of that, he gathers himself and scoffs. “You wish you had a piece of me.”

 

Alex cocks his head to the side, and his eyes take on a teasing look before he smiles. “Well, you are a big cinnamon bun underneath all the stupid jock. And I do have a sweet tooth and a huge appetite for junk food.”

 

For a guy who screams and yells at him and wants to fight him all the time, Alex’s smile is gentle. Zach wants to trace his fingers along those lips. But instead, he plays along. “Great. I’m the Pillsbury dough-boy.”

 

“Does that mean that if I poke you in the stomach, you’d be the bottom?”

 

Zach’s eyes go huge and he may have pushed Alex down again.

 

“Ow!” Alex cries out before pulling himself back up along the wall by grabbing Zach’s shoulder.

 

“Hmph. I would be a total top. Have you seen these guns?” he says, before lamely flexing his arms.

 

Alex shoots him an unimpressed look. “Dude, you’re really bad at this not being a homophone thing,” Alex says before pushing Zach back. He slides down and starts to laugh, before he clutches at Alex to get back up. But being much lighter than the other boy, Alex slips down with him. The other boy’s head falls onto his shoulders, and Zach feels that familiar stir within his stomach, hollow and heavy at the same time. Alex laughs and Zach feels the tremors on his chest.

 

He pushes himself up a little, but Alex’s still laying on top of him. Zach’s throat dries. Alex gives him an indecipherable look before lifting himself completely off Zach.

 

“Thanks for helping me,” he says. “Not with just the kissing. I know I’m not easy to deal with.”

 

All Zach wants to say is that sometimes what’s good isn’t easy, wants to wax poetically about roses and thorns. But he doesn’t, because that’s not what good sons and good athletes do. “Did it help at least? Kissing me gave you more confidence?”

 

“Zach, if I ever find a six-foot-three girl who I would have to crane my neck to suck faces with, then yes you’ve been helpful.”

 

“Then why’d you agree to it?”

 

“I wanted to know if you tasted like cinnamon,” Alex says, and Zach’s not sure if he’s kidding or not. “How about you. Why did you think of practice kissing?”

 

If Zach is being completely honest with himself, he knows that helping Alex is more about what he wants than it is about the other boy. He wants to rescue Alex, make him smile, give him the happiness that he couldn’t give to Hannah then and could never give to himself either. Alex, his best friend, the boy that makes him want to be more than he ever thought he could be. He wants to make Alex happy, but he also selfishly wants to be the reason why Alex is happy. And he wants to deny that Alex makes him happy.

 

But Alex has a way of making him admit the truth, even if it’s not the full truth.

 

“I was cold and you’re warm.”


	2. Lines

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fractures after the fall, new lines are drawn, old ones break.

“Let me carry that for you,” Zach says, coming out of nowhere. Either Alex is clueless about his surroundings or Zach is secretly the world’s heaviest ninja. He snatches Alex’s backpack right off his shoulders. If it were anyone else, Alex would risk his falling just to punch them in the face. He’s not some damsel in distress and he definitely doesn’t need any white knight coming to his rescue. But instead of all of that, he just says, “Thanks mom.”

 

“Where are you heading?” Zach asks. He’s carrying two backpacks. On anyone else, it would have looked ridiculous nerdy. But Zach manages to make anything look good. Alex wonders if what he’s feeling about that is jealousy...

 

“AP English Lit. Don’t know how I’m supposed to pass it, with my mind in scrambles.”

 

“Hey! I’m in that class too,” Zach says as he puts his arms around Alex’s shoulders. “I’ll help you pass it.” That damn smile. How does Zach manage to make Alex believe him? Alex rolls his eyes before glaring at Zach. It’s infuriating how he manages to be hot, smart, AND nice. “I don’t know how you get such good grades. You’re one of the densest people I’ve ever met.”

 

“That’s not nice! You should be nicer to me, I’m the guy who’s gonna help you ace Shakespeare.”

 

Well,” Alex says, “dost thou expect me to put out for you? Embrace thine engorg-ed prick?”

 

Zach slaps him on the back. “Nah, bro. Just a handy,” he says before shooting Alex a wink.

 

As they walk through the door of the classroom, Alex looks around and sees Jessica sitting in a desk at the back. She looks at him and waves, giving him a tentative smile. He pauses, turns his gaze down to the floor, and walks past her. He doesn’t want to be mean to her, and the last thing he wants to do is hurt her after all they’ve been through together. But he’s hurting himself and can’t find it within him to be a better person here. He wishes he wasn’t angry at her, wishes that he wasn’t angry at himself for being so weak and broken that she went and fucked her ex on the night of their first date back together.

 

He follows Zach to the desk where he put his backpack. They’re sitting next to each other, and Zach looks at him before glancing in Jessica’s direction. He knows Zach chose the seats up front intentionally, where Alex can’t spend all class period staring at Jessica. He wonders when Zach had gotten so good at reading him. “Hey man, if it’s too much, we can skip.”

 

“Dude, it’s the first day.”

 

“Whatever man. Just say the word, all right?” Zach says before he reaches out and squeezes his shoulder.

 

\- - - - - - - - -

Class passed by without much fanfare. He occasionally had to fight the urge to turn back and look at Jessica, but instead he looked at Zach. It was fascinating to watch the other boy take notes. He looks almost like he was by himself in class. Alex wonders if Zach does that with everything, just zone out the world to focus on what’s in front of him. He wonders if that’s why Zach is so good at everything he does. He fights the pang in his heart when he stares at the other boy. He shouldn’t be so jealous of his best friend, he thinks.

 

And now, as they’re sitting in the cafeteria surrounded by Tony, Courtney and Ryan, he’s wondering how their circle of friends fractured so quickly. He stares across the cafeteria and sees Justin, Clay and Jessica sitting together. He guesses he should be grateful that Zach’s by his side, and that there are people who cross the lines they’ve drawn since that night. He picks at the spaghetti in front of him.

 

“All I’m saying is that gay guys have it so much harder than lesbians,” Ryan says. “It’s so hard to find someone who’s into you for you, you know, and not just sex.”

 

Tony runs his hands through his hair, and Alex can only imagine what kind of product he’d used to make it snap right back into place. Tony gives Ryan a look and shakes his head. “Well, if the only place you’re looking is Grindr...”

 

“Well excuse me, Mr. ‘I have a perfect boyfriend’, not all of us can just walk into a gym and find someone.”

 

“That’s an old one,” Tony retorts.

 

“It sounds to me,” Courtney butts in, “like you’re just an asshole. Gay guys find boyfriends all the time! My dads are madly in love with each other. Have been since I was a baby.”

 

“Statistically, I’m right though. Men are just programmed differently. They are disproportionately interested in sex and know how to detach sex and love.”

 

“You know the fact that you say that,” Courtney wags her finger, “and don’t include yourself in that demographic means that there are plenty of guys who want more than just meaningless sex.”

 

Ryan rolls his eyes. “But probably many less than girls who want more than just meaningless sex.”

 

Courtney reaches over and smacks him on the back of the head. “You know how hard it is to be a gay girl? I’ve touched girls and even cuddle with them to find out that none of that meant they were interested in me as a girlfriend.” She stops talking to take a bite out of her sandwich. “If I did that with any guy, he’d assumed I wanted to fuck him.”

 

“What are you guys talking about?” Zach interrupts. “Guys on the team smack each other’s butts all the time. Doesn’t mean they want to fuck.”

 

Tony, Ryan and Courtney all raise their eyebrows at him, and then say in unison, “Gay.” Alex laughs.

 

“It’s not the same,” Tony says. “Yeah,” Courtney adds.“Smacking a guy’s ass or joking about boners isn’t the same thing as being someone’s emotional support and being there for another person. Girls do that for girls all the time, and it’s confusing. Sometimes we even practice kissing each other just so we won’t suck at it our first time.”

 

“I thought that only happened in movies,” Tony adds.

 

“That sounds pretty gay to me,” Ryan says.

 

“No it’s not!” Courtney protests. “It’s not about the act, it’s about the perspective alright. This is why straight girls can do these things they would normally do in a romantic relationship, but since it’s with another girl it doesn’t count for them. It drives me nuts. I never know if someone’s actually interested in me.”

 

Alex thinks about that. “You have a point.”

 

“See? Alex agrees with me.”

 

“Well,” Alex says, “not exactly. I don’t think only girls do that. Zach and I do that too...”

 

Everyone at the table stops chewing and stares at him. Zach’s eyes go wide.

 

“Do what exactly?” Tony asks. “Yeah, what exactly?” Ryan adds.

 

Alex blushes. “You know, be each other’s emotional support and shit. Zach’s been there for me since I tried to off myself. And I’m not dating him.” He sneaks a glance at Zach, and the other boy’s eyes are cast downwards. He just stabs at the spaghetti in front of him, moving it around the tray with his fork. It’s not like him to not have an appetite. Alex wonders what’s going on in his head. It’s all really unfair, how transparent he seems to be to Zach, and yet, he can’t figure out what the fuck is underneath all the façades and smiles the other boy throws his way. Why does Zach even help him? Why is he always there, even when Alex lashes out and tries to fight him? No one can be that selfless, right?

 

His train of thought is interrupted by a loud cackle from Ryan. “At first I thought you meant you two practiced kissing,” he says, and then looks at Courtney and Tony. “Straight boys,” they say in unison, and shake their heads.

 

“But you know,” Ryan adds, “as much as it pains me to admit that I’m wrong, maybe guys are getting more in touch with their emotional sides. Most of the new submissions I’ve been getting are from men.”

 

“And it’s really great that straight men are more comfortable with being vulnerable around each other,” Courtney adds. “Lord knows how much of a headcase I was about touching other girls before I came out, I can only imagine how bad men have it if their sexuality’s in question if they showed just a bit of emotional vulnerability with other men. It’s gonna make it harder for gay guys though, because now they’ll have the same problem as gay girls.”

 

“I’m sure a guy can tell if another guy’s into him or just being a good friend,” Alex says. “I mean, isn’t it obvious?” Alex feels Zach’s eyes on him.

 

“I doubt that. Boys can be really stupid sometimes.”

 

“Maybe,” Tony says, “the lines between friendship and love aren’t set in stone. Courtney’s probably right, it’s probably a matter of perspective.”

 

“Wise words coming from a guy with mayo on his nose,” Ryan says before he wipes Tony’s nose with his napkin.

 

“Maybe lines are just something we draw to make sense of something. Maybe they’re wrong sometimes,” Zach adds, his eyes still fixed on Alex’s. He feels the same pang from earlier, from when Zach reached out to him. Is he jealous of his best friend for being so good, so smart, so… so beautiful? Damn his broken mind.


	3. Breathe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A moment between the two, as they both try to catch their breaths.

Count down from three. Three, two … Inhale. Take the shot. It’s now or never.

Zach shoots the basketball. For a second that feels lasts forever, he holds his breath as it circles the rims of the basket. He doesn’t make it, and slowly the world seeps back in as he hears the groans from the crowd. The buzzer sounds. It’s all over.

 

\- - - - - - - - - 

Alex slings his arm over his shoulders, a not unimpressive feat when Zach’s nearly half a foot taller than the other boy. “Hey man, you were great out there.”

Zach scoffs. “I missed. I cost us the game.”

“Come on, don’t take all of that onto yourself,” Alex says.

Zach looks at him. It’s not like Alex to be the encouraging one. Is he getting a glimpse of how he’s like around Alex? He feels special that Alex cares about him, but he doesn’t want Alex to pity him. He’s better than that game. He’s losing his focus. All of the carefully built up walls are crumbling on top of him and they’re crushing the airs out of his lungs.

“You don’t have to lie to me.” They come to a stop.

Alex pushes Zach gently against the doors of his car and leans in towards him. For a second, Zach stills. “You take too much on your shoulders.” Alex places his arms to Zach’s sides. He feels a warmth creeping up on his face, and he can smell Alex’s breath… it’s sweet, like the fruity smell of sour patch kids. He can almost remember the taste.

“Dude, move so I can open the doors,” Alex says. “You’re gonna drive us to In-N-Out and we’re gonna marathon some shitty horror movies while stuffing our faces full of dead cow and genetically modified wheat at my place.”

Zach smiles. He hates horror movies, and Alex knows that. He grabs Alex’s cane and helps him into the car seat. “Alright captain bossy pants.”

“Captain bossy pants? What are you, twelve?”

Zach gets into the driver’s seat. He puts Alex’s cane in the back seat, and grabs something out of the back. “I got you this.”

Alex looks at the box. His eyebrows draw together, and then morphs into a baffled look. “You got me a heart-rate bracelet? Why?”

“So you can measure how much you’re exerting yourself in physical therapy. You’ve been pushing yourself a lot harder these past few weeks, but you’re also over-exerting yourself.”

Alex glares at him. “Oh, and you’re one to talk about doing the most? Zach, you’re the one who’s constantly pushing himself at everything. If anyone needs to chill out, it’s you.” Alex clenches his fist, and he looks down. Zach doesn’t know why he’s reacting like this. All he wants to do is to make sure Alex’s okay.

“Why are you so angry?”

“Why am I angry?” Alex says, raising his voice. “You’re telling me I have to take it easy when you’re taking the blame for loosing the basketball game all on yourself.”

“Alex I -” he tries to say, but gets cut off by Alex. “For fuck’s sake, you’re not responsible for everyone okay? Your teammates dropped the fucking ball too.”

“But I could of-”

“No! You were the best fucking player on that court today. And you can’t even see that.”

Zach gets the feeling that there’s something he’s not quite getting. He looks at Alex, whose hands are still clench, but now the other boy’s shaking. “Alex, what’s wrong?”

The other boy’s breath stutters, coming in and out in ragged bursts. “Alex! Breathe. Just breathe...” he says, both hands holding the other boy’s shoulders. He runs them up and down, rubbing circles into his collarbones. He’s so thin that if Zach presses his dumb down hard, the bones would break.

Tears stream down his cheeks, and something awful tugs at Zach’s heart strings. “You are the perfect athlete. You’re the perfect student. You’re the perfect fucking son, okay?”

What is he talking about? Zach’s far from perfect. His lets his team down. He sucks at history. And he’s still too hung up on his dad to hold it all together for his mom. He drops his hands and looks away from Alex, peeved at him for placing the same damn expectations that his coach, teachers and family all place on him.

When he turns back to Alex, the other boy’s looking at him with glossy eyes. The anger from before seems to have melted away, replaced by a look of sadness. “I’m sorry, alright. I know you’re not perfect,” he says before fresh tears starts falling down his cheeks. “But next to you I’m a piece of shit alright. You want to know why I’ve been pushing myself? If I don’t push myself, I’m gonna be stuck like this forever. And then anyone who I will ever love will just look at me with pity before they realize what a lost cause I am and get sick of me. I can’t be broken forever alright.”

“Alex,” Zach says, “you’re not broken.” Because to Zach, Alex’s the strongest person he’s ever met. If not for Alex, he wouldn’t have owned up to what he did, his part in Hannah’s death. He takes a tissue out from the glove compartment and uses it to wipe the other boy’s cheeks.

“Why are you even here with me? Don’t you get tired of me?”

“Of course not Alex! You’re … you’re my best friend.”

“But why?”  
“Because around you I don’t have to pretend to be perfect. I… I know I’m not perfect. But I can’t just drop the ball. Everything that’s put onto me, if I don’t try, I’m gonna let so many people down.”

Alex stares at him. “I didn’t know. You’re just so damn kind to me, I didn’t have any reason to think you were anything other than a perfect friend. But it fucking scares me, alright, because I don’t understand what I did to deserve you.”

“All I want...” Zach grips the steering wheels. He wishes he could be honest, with himself, with Alex. “All I want is for you to be happy,” he says, but doesn’t add ‘with me.’

“I am happy,” the other boy says in a whisper, eyes going softer. “Now let’s go get some burgers.”

 

\- - - - - - - - - 

Zach feels the sea breeze against his face, his arm dangling outside of the car window. He sneaks a glance at Alex. They’re driving down the beach route, and while it’s not a long drive, Alex’s already leaning against the window, eyes fluttering in and out of sleep, probably tired from his outburst earlier. Zach’s breath catches as evening sun outlines the other boy in a halo of gold.


End file.
